The Ballad of the Murder Hobos

Lyrics © 2019 by Nyx and Jeff Bigler Tune is “To Morrow” © by Bob Gibson (with chorus added by Nyx & Jeff)

1. We went into a tavern A-looking for some action— For gold and magic items And some heads that needed bashin’. The innkeeper, he looked at us And pointed to a man, Said “Talk to him, but careful, Be as subtle as you can.”

So we went over to him, But he was in a conversation, So we got out our weapons To provide some motivation. A fight broke out, we killed two men And set the place ablaze. But the man we had to talk to, He escaped and ran away.

[chorus] Die! Die! Die! We're gonna kill them all! With sword and axe and shield and a big-ass fireball! We don't care the slightest What the dungeonmaster planned, 'Cause we're the biggest, baddest Murder hobos in the land!

2. We caught up to our employer 'Bout a mile out of town. We said that we're the hardiest Adventurers around. He said, “My wife was taken By a dragon to his cave, And I must pay a ransom, Or he'll keep her as his slave!”

“There is an amulet in Tawny- Port down by the wharf. It's hidden in the castle Of the Baron Pretzeldorf. The castle's guarded well above But not so much below. And if you enter stealthily Then none shall ever know.”

[chorus]

3. We traveled to the castle Where the amulet was stored. The wizard cast a silence spell And we kicked down the door. We carefully avoided Several traps along the way, But blasting out the amulet Was what gave us away.

We ran back to the exit, And we triggered all the traps. We woke up all the sentries Who were busy taking naps. We slashed and stabbed and burned And left the place in disarray, And none survived but Pretzeldorf Who somehow got away.

[chorus]

4. We wandered to the dragon's den And found the dragon there. We offered him the amulet To buy the lady fair. The dragon said, “It's worthless! The amulet's destroyed! It looks like it's been blasted By some foolish humanoid.”

We said, “Then you must fight us!” But the dragon took a breath And turned back toward the lady Who was quickly burned to death. “Take her ash and leave this place, I hope it all goes well. The amulet might still be worth A resurrection spell!”

[chorus]

5. We swept the lady up And put her ashes in a box And went back to her husband And said, “Sorry for your loss.” The man said, “Here, just take the gold! May you be cursed for life!” And went to find a healer Who could resurrect his wife.

The party divvied up the gold And said, “Wow that was fun! It's lucky that we're all so smart And nice to every one!” The dungeonmaster shook his head And gave a hearty sigh. He said, “You all are psychos! Now get out of here! Goodbye!”

[chorus]